had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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