At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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