Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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