what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
