I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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