Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
