Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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