a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize