I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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