We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
