I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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