Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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