drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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