My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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