What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
