Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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