Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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