Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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