First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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