why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
