no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
