Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
