I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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