I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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