I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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