I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
