my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
