then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
