Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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