I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
where are you?
Hypothermia
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
