I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
