Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
