Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
