Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
