Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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