I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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