i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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