I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
