Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
