I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
