Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
