This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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