sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
