Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
