Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Where is the hickey?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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