Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
