the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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