I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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