i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
