saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
