the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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