My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
