In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
she pinky promised me she was 18
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize