please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That accounts for only three of the penises
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
