dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
