Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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