I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
